I was not going to write it. I told my friend there is no story. I even felt a little ashamed too, for it took me a long time. See, I was born in a practicing Muslim family. I grew up among women in my family who wore hijab, and niqab. Like most families in my community Allah was an abstract idea. Religion was just these rules and restrictions and punishments. So as you can imagine my concept of Islam was not holistic. 

As a very impressionable girl growing up, I was continuously told to be more meek, gentle, polite and less than who I am. I would get harassed on the street since I was 8 years old. And the pressure to gather myself and put in a more inconspicuous shell, be less, be invisible. I was made to feel something was wrong with me, maybe how I walk or look; all the while I always dressed up modestly. It was my fault I attracted the wrong attention. “You are not even pretty looking, must be something you do?”. I was told to always keep my eyes downcast. As a child I was very hurt by these comments, and I was told Islam told girls to be minimum, always hidden away, behind curtains. By the time I turned 14 years old, to me Islamic rules on women summed up as me being an instrument for Iblis to use against righteous men, all the rules were there to save men from me. I rebelled. 

I was born with a very inquisitive mind and a decent amount of intellect. I was a child who loved adventures. My role models were boys who went on epic adventures, so when at the age of 11 I was told to stop playing outside altogether, when I was told to stay home and study and be a nice little girl ( no longer a child), I was deeply hurt. I didn’t understand it, and I wasn’t given any other reason than “you are a girl”. Suddenly all my ambition and aspiration in life were being judged through the lens I am a girl. I hated every argument that started with “because you are a girl”. When I was first told that I should start covering my hair, I asked why and I was told “because it shows that you are a nice gentle girl”. I was a tomboy and they wanted a meek little lady. Hijab went out of my mind fast.

It came up many times, hijab was used to humiliate my choices and my character. Because I didn’t wear the hijab I was repeatedly told I was not a Muslim. And all the while the reason was given that we are here on this earth to be a righteous wife and serve our husband and before that I should keep myself hidden, not to be seen or heard. The girl who wanted to travel the world and become a particle physicist it wasn’t sitting well and I rebelled outwardly. But I always tell myself that if it is in my deen, if it is for Allah and not for a man, I will wear it when it comes to me. 

I prayed for it, every time I was hurt by other people, I prayed to Allah, that when I wear it, please let it be for You and You only.

When I became serious about my salah and the Quran much later in my life, I still had an incomprehensible block in my head about hijab. It was a topic of childhood trauma for me. I wanted to understand the reason for the hijab. I dress modestly, I don’t attract attention on the street when I am out and about. But my heart was also very uneasy that I was not wearing it. 

Before I could wear the hijab, I needed a lot of other spiritual issues sorted. For example, the correct position of women in Islam. To learn that just like a man, my purpose in this world is also to please Allah first and foremost. I needed to learn my purpose in this world as a human first, then as a woman. And what I saw filled my heart with remorse and gratitude to Allah. 

But I wasn’t still there. I still wasn’t wearing the hijab. I was worried how I would be perceived in my professional life and in the surroundings in North America . Then Covid hit, I lost my grand uncle and aunt who had been my surrogate grandparents within 2 days of each other in Covid in Ramadan. The following day I was in my zuhr prayer and a colleague came to drop off some food. When I went downstairs, I didn’t take off my scarf and that’s how I stepped out. The moment I stepped out, a strange sense of safety filled my heart. I felt safe, and I don’t remember feeling safe that often in my almost 40 something life. Just like that I was never out without my hijab. I felt safe, that I am in Allah’s care and the whole world is secondary from that point on. It was as I prayed, I wanted to have a soul deep conviction and an unshaken comprehension about the hijab, and I was given that out of the blue. No ceremony, no special ‘AHA’ moment. Just like that, I am His and that was it. 

And the hijab brought so much freedom in my life. The freedom from conforming with the dialog about what a woman’s body is to her. It gave me a higher status. When you see me, I want you to see a woman who knows exactly who she is, that she is an abd of Allah, she knows her rights and she is enough by her own right. She follows a peaceful, balanced creed and from a beautiful community of Muslims all over the world. I am part of something beautiful and blessed, I am honored and trusted by my Creator.